you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
