I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
