Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
