and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We had to coat check the pizza.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
