If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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