Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
even my farts smell like vagina
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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