I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
