I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
