I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
