I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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