Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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