A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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