Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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