I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Randomize
