I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
