i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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