handjob tips. give me some.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
