I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
