yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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