You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
