if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
