I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
