Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
