It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
