i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
