so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm getting married
To pizza
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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