my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
