rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
