I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
