oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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