I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
