I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
