Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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