Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
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