I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
