16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
