This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
