my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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