He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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