Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
