You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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