life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
