I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
