So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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