like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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