He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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