My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
