Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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