She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
