also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
