this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
