Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
