And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
