Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
