My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
