life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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