even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
