she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize