Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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