I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
