he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
