all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
