If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize